Retreating…

My husband has today off, the first of his three day holiday weekend. The first thing he does is make plans to be out of the house with people other than me. Sure, I could tag a long, but he knows it can make me anxious to just tag along when I didn’t have a heads up so I could prepare mentally. I know that asking for time to prepare sounds like a lot to ask, but really it isn’t. I do not need hours of contemplation to prepare. Just an hour or so while I do my hair and make-up, as I only do my hair and make up when going to do something outside of the house.
He is going to his friend’s son’s soccer game at 1 (why do they schedule these things when the sun is the highest?) and then on to see another friend at the hospital where the friend had a baby yesterday. He asked if I wanted to go along to see the new baby, but my hair and make up aren’t done. He always does this to me…asks me at the last moment when I am not made up. And then I have to rush to get ready to see people I don’t want to see because they make me self-conscious. And worst yet, I am at my mother’s house when he asked, so how in the heck am I expected to do my hair?
Before he left, he asked if I were ok, and he said to call if I needed anything. And then he left. I know he thinks that leaving is the best thing for me. If he gives in to my wanting him to stay, he would be further conditioning me to need him and be less able to function without him. But leaving isn’t the best thing. Leaving makes me go to dark places I do not want to go to. Leaving makes me black on the inside; I fall through bottomless pits of blackness on the inside. But his leaving is what they call progress.

Yesterday was a good day. I don’t have hope to repeat yesterday’s success.

Feeling tired

The past few weeks I have been very tired during the day even though I have been sleeping pretty well. I added a new Rx to my daily cocktail of medications a while back, and I think that it may be the cause of my fatigue. I have been taking the new medicine in the morning, so I’ll change my taking it to the night. We’ll see if that helps.
With this fatigue, I have also been irritable and even less motivated to do the things I need to do than what I normally am. I have been quicker to lose my temper and have had to exert much energy in not letting my emotions get the best of me. This has been quite difficult.
I need to begin charting my feelings on a daily basis; nothing very detailed, just a general summary of where I am emotionally and physically. I suspect that if I do this, I may find a broad pattern of ups and downs. I want answers, but can only guess as how to get them…if they even exist.
My husband’s work schedule has changed. He is now out of the house more than he was before. I am having difficulty adjusting to this as I always look forward and need time with him. He is happier with his new job and does not mind his new schedule, so I must find a way to cope with it…for his sake and mine.
I hope this blog is found by a few more people as it seems no one is reading it. I don’t necessarily write for an audience, but it would be nice to know that my words aren’t just floating out into space. Oh well.

I’m feeling…

contemplative about what my life may have been without illness. This isn’t a whining post, just a “what if” post.
I wonder what type of legacy I will manage to leave? Will it be one of happiness, action, and fulfilled dreams? Will it inspire others in their lives? Or will it be a legacy that tells a tale of potential entoumbed in a brain that rebufs all of my attempts to use it? Potential lost; never to be used.
I always felt I was called for something important in life; something that only I could fulfill. Not that I was going to be the next Pope or Dhali Lama, but something important to someone. Something significant. I guess everyone feels that way, though. Why would I be the one whom destiny would actually choose?
What am I meant for, and where am I going? No where and backwards…all at the same time. Funny, isn’t it?

Brooms

As you may know from previous posts, the Lord and I haven’t been on best terms. Or I haven’t been with Him…I should say. Well, today, He threw me a bone, and I thank him for it.
A really good friend from years ago contacted me with a heartfelt letter, venting a bit. She sent it to me later in the evening, so I did not get it until this morning. By the time I read it, I had a new letter waiting, apologizing for venting to me and laying her concerns on me.
The first letter made me feel SO touched that she would choose me to open up to. When I read that she was sorry, I felt so bad for her. Little did she know that by her opening up to me first, the way was made for me to open up to her. I told her that God was using her as His broom and duster, as He’d been trying to tidy me up for some time, and I had been resisting. What a blessing she is!

Things I am Thankful For

I do not know how to begin…
I do not want to whine and complain.
I do not want to compose a discourse on my problems.
I want to have good things to write about…happiness, balanced moods, paid bills.
But how do I do that when I feel helpless and lost.

I hear a list of things you are thankful for helps. While I am not feeling very thankful right now, I’ll make a list anyway. Maybe I can read it later and it will mean more then.

Things I am Thankful For
1.) God & Christ
2.) Salvation
3.) Rance
4.) family
5.) friends
6.) health
7.) pets
8.) home
9.) food
10.) car
11.) birds
12.) flowers
13.) trees
14.) “green” weather

Steady as she goes…

I suppose the past few days have been good days. I haven’t felt too sad or overwhelmed by anything. I should feel more grateful…shouldn’t I? But I have had a lot of trouble with the grateful part these last few months…
I have had mental issue for over 15 years. As the years have gone by, the issues have become more and more difficult until they finally took over my life. All through the pain and anguish, all through the material and financial loss, I kept my faith in the promise of God to protect and keep me. I often sought out an answer as to why I was ill and why He would allow it to be so, but I never questioned His care for me. Does that make sense? I always knew He was suffering right along with me…right by my side. In a pretty quick turn around, all that changed.
One day, I was watching a television program which happened to discuss the fact that during a period of flooding, a cat had sought higher ground under a building. Eventually, that higher ground wasn’t high enough and the cat ended up trapped by the rising water and eventually drowned. As an animal lover, I was devastated to hear this. My thoughts turned to the fear that that cat must have felt as it knew it had no where to go. Suddenly, I found myself asking God why He would allow such a thing to happen. A totally innocent creation of His had been allowed to suffer unbelievable fear and a desperately painful death. What meaning could one find in such a thing? It was a cat! I became angry with God. I became short with God. I questioned His desire to keep me safe and kept…after all, why would He keep a sinful creature like me safe when He didn’t rescue an innocent cat? And then I began to wonder why I have to suffer for the sins of others. What I mean by that is not that I am innocent, but that I was born into a world where I suffered, in some way, from the beginning of my life. Whether it was suffering through the loss of my father’s job when I was young, or the loss of a loved one from cancer which is caused by the sin of addiction. Not the best examples…but I think you get the drift.
Take periods, for example. Eve ate the apple, not me. Why should I have painful periods and difficult childbirths for her sin? Holding me accountable for her choice doesn’t mesh with my understanding of God’s punishment of sin. Christ died for me…to forgive me for the sin I committed. He didn’t die to forgive my Mom’s sin in connection to me. Once again…does that make sense?
I have just become so lost and distanced from Him that I have built a wall around my heart and work hard not to let Him in. After feeling so washed away on the inside for so long and suffering an illness that I haven’t been able to improve…I have lost most faith in His care for me. I still believe in Christ’s death for me and my forgiveness…I just don’t feel His daily presence in my life.
I don’t know. Maybe I’ll come around. Good luck in your life. Be blessed.

Suffering with blessings

Today has been better. I haven’t been experiencing the roller coaster emotions of being Bi Polar since yesterday evening. That is surely a relief. =) On days like these, after a period of turmoil, I don’t know where to go. Not physically, of course…but mentally and emotionally. I feel so unsure of my footing that I fear making a move forward. I am afraid it could lead me into another emotional disaster. I commonly feel lost at times like these…and now is no exception.
Now that my mind is a bit calmer in comparison to the beginning of this week, I want to make it known that I can view my turmoil and misery in a correct perspective. I completely acknowledge that my version of turmoil and misery are hardly serious when compared to the lives affected by cancer, lost jobs, rape, genocide, etc. I don’t want anyone to think, that even when I am ill, I put my suffering on the same level as people who suffer the pains I mentioned before. I often feel sorry for myself and the trouble that Bi Polar causes me. This sense of “poor me” causes me to feel guilty because I know there are so many people who suffer pains that I could never imagine. The funny thing is that that guilt fuels the irrational emotions of my illness…and the depression and “poor me” begins again. What a circle this illness is!!!
My life is stressful. My life is difficult. I cannot currently have children; therefore, neither can my husband. I cannot hold employment…which has forced my husband and me to move in with my brother. I regularly have to take help in the form of money from my parents and brother…money that I can rarely repay.
However, I can physically have children and have hope to do so one day. I am working on obtaining disability benefits which would go along way in providing my husband and me with our own home. If I qualify for benefits, I may be able to pay my parents and brother back for all the financial help they have given my husband and me through the years.
I know that, in the future, I will bounce between the “My life is stressful…paragraph” and the “I…can…have children…” paragraph. I will continually go through periods where I feel sorry for myself, but in writing the blessings of my life when I can, I save some piece of my sanity for the future.
I need to find a way to help people. I need to connect with something other than my illness.
Be blessed.

Overwhelmed

I do not understand why I must be ill while having to deal with a life so overwhelming.
My husband interviewed for a job today with a company he used to work for. He was told he had the job before the interview but needed to go through the precursory steps to make things legitimate. Well, he had his interview, and as promised, he was offered the job. The job will pay a decent amount more than his current job, but we found out the medical insurance would be so expensive that he’d end up with less money in his pocket than what he is earning now. How is that for a kicker!
This new job would provide a better work environment with less stress, in an office with people he knows and likes. But now we must decide whether or not giving up insurance is worth the risk to have more money in our pockets (without taking the insurance) and a better work environment. We may be able to qualify for some prescription programs through pharmaceutical companies and with samples from our doctors, we may make it through in regards to medication. The doctors appointment would be expensive, but may be less out of pocket than paying for insurance on top of a deductible and copay.
I am tired of being ill. I am tired of working to get better, doing all that I am told to do, only to end up worse as the days go along. Will it ever end?

Ooops…Been a long time!

Well, it has been over a year since I have been here, and a lot has happened. I have been hospitalized for a passive suicide attempt. Actually, I think I wrote my last post a month before my admission. That was in December ’07, right before Christmas. I have spent the year since wondering when I might recover some ability to live a somewhat normal life. So far, that hasn’t happened.
Because I have been unable to work, my husband (poor thing!) and I have had to move in with my brother. While this arrangement has worked out over all, we have recently experienced some bumps in the road. My brother has suffered insomnia, which has caused him to take some frustrations out on my husband and me. We have worked things through, but the experience just makes the trouble my illness has caused all the more real.
Hope is fading for a more normal life; for children; for a home of my own. But I guess I’ll keep chugging through because I have nothing else to do. Be blessed. (And I’ll check in on a regular basis…fingers crossed.)

I guess I am the only person who needs to vent.

I guess that is a good thing…for everyone else, at least. Oh well. I added a poem to this blog that I wrote a month or so ago. Hope you like it (even though no one is here! ;o) )

Anxiety

Fear and worry weave through me

And with each pulse of my heart I fall deeper and deeper into a glorious rush of irrepressible panic.

Still is impossible.

Running forward and away and out is the only course to freedom;

away from this interminable bondage that always was, is, and will be.

Unpleasant states are welcome!

as they give reprieve from the burning fright that fills my veins.

What I wouldn’t do for a headache! What part of my soul would I not sell to be short of breath and ill at heart!

But I’ll lay down this night, knowing… that I’ll wake tomorrow.

Anxiety will never be through with me.

KAB1278

Copyright ©2007  KAB1278